Growing Pains

Because I detested dishonesty or capriciousness of heart, I lived my life thinking that my actions and words had to match, so that what I did in any given situation was the same under similar circumstances.  In fact, I held my speech and actions up to constant scrutiny, believing there was an overarching story wrought with meaning I could tell with my life, and that it had, as its sole prerequisite, sincere self-examination.


To me, things unknowable have always been things unattainable.  I assessed myself based on what I knew and could do, and what I didn't know and therefore couldn't do.  The former was knowledge used to meet goals which I set for myself, in keeping with the overarching story I sought to tell.  The latter was, at best, something to overcome, and at worst, a source of insecurity.  That my goals were never far-reaching, because my knowledge was finite, did not bother me; goals by definition carry uncertain outcomes which was challenge enough.  Plaguing insecurity, though, should have sounded the alarm that something was wrong.




1. not everything has to fit into some larger arc of things.  it will, but later.. and not by your doing.  your job is to focus on life's moments and create meaning in each individual moment.  'create' means to actively find and assign, to carve out, set down the belief of.  the noise you hear now will become a beautiful chord, but you shouldn't, and in fact can't, orchestrate some big meaningful story before then.


2. don't be "self-ish," meaning, don't be preoccupied with YOUR fear.  those who seem to have it together, yet are labeled unsympathetic and insensitive, appear so to someone who is solely focused on their own needs stemming from their fears.  in fact, those people have recognized that they can't anticipate or control life, but are assured that they are capable of handling things when they come their way.  they may not show much empathy, but they are actually the opposite of self-ish, or worrying of themselves.


3. don't underestimate the value of hard work.  if something required of you unduly taxes your resources, practice to get better at it, and meanwhile recalibrate your expectations of how much effort the task needs.  in other words, close the gap between reality and willingness.


4. for some point in my life i was made to feel small and small i felt.  in some crazy way, everything i did was borne out of that, and i expected other people to help me compensate, but i no longer choose to hold this perception of myself.

Healthy Progress

I am really excited to share with you what has helped me in terms of emotional health.

Step 1. Last February, I went to my doctor and let her know I suspected I had PMDD and if there were any non-prescription approaches to this. She advised that I start taking vitamin supplements to help "balance" me.

Step 2. While the daily vitamins were helpful in reducing my mood swings, I noticed I still was affected once a month by PMDD symptoms. Some online forums suggest herbal remedies. What I found and decided to try was a low-sugar, low-sodium, no alcohol or caffeine diet (and as part of a lifestyle with regular aerobic exercise and adequate sleep). Nothing too crazy! Not only would this help me cut back on sugar since I consume too much of it anyway, but I was willing to try it if it would stop PMDD from interfering with my social relationships.

I consulted Livestrong's How Much Sodium & Sugar for how much I should be consuming. I did not adopt this diet permanently, but follow it for about 10 days each month. So far, the results have been encouraging, but I can't say anything conclusive. I look forward to no longer having the disruptive symptoms of PMDD.

Note: I am not a medical practitioner and do not intend my posts to be construed as medical advice.

A Savvy Consumer

In a poll of 1,000 women in Oregon, respondents said they used, on average, 10 personal care products in a day, some using up to 50! Unfortunately, many personal care products are replete with chemicals or other ingredients hazardous to human health. I like to use EWG's "Skin-Deep" cosmetics database to compare products before I buy.

Here is a short list of what to look out for:

fragrance - innocuous-sounding, but associated with neurotoxicity and allergies

parabens - listed as methylparaben, propylparaben, or similar; may cause endocrine disruption

formaldehyde - I know you're thinking, "Preserved frogs in bio class -what is that doing in my facial cream?!"; unfortunately, a product that contains quaternium-15, DMDM hydantoin, imidazolidinyl urea, Sodium Hydroxymethylglycinate or diazolidinyl urea can be indicative of formaldehyde in a product

oxybenzone - also linked with endocrine disruption and often found in sunscreens; sunscreens with zinc oxide or titanium dioxide are a better choice

Link to the article: http://www.oregonlive.com/health/index.ssf/2011/11/survey_asks_1000_portland_wome.html

/edit
Update in 2012!
Here are additional ingredients to watch out for when buying cosmetics,

• DMDM hydantoin
• Diazolidinyl urea
• Imidazolidinyl urea
• Ceteareth
• Polyethylene glycol
• PEG

Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIB9JHZ4Jts

Weekly Photo: Downtown Disney

I took a trip to Anaheim to meet a high school friend of mine. You can see the House of Blues sign and Build-A-Bear Workshop in the background. I liked the tree decorations :)

Mental Health Awareness

I wonder if I have mental health issues like dysthymia, anxiety disorder, codependency, or PMDD, even though I've never been formally diagnosed. I am writing about this topic to be honest about what I go through and in support of mental health awareness.

For the first time in my life, I'm open to admitting I may be mentally sick, with symptoms just like any other patient who sees a doctor. Symptoms for me might mean: feeling too much adrenaline and being unable to concentrate, as in the case of an anxiety attack, being irritable and moody and feeling helpless to stop myself, perhaps due to PMDD, or being irrational and struggling to control myself, or other.

Recently, I went through a period of time where I was struggling with my day to day activities. What I did that helped me cope was to keep it very simple. I gave myself a list of at most 6 things to do every day, like "Lunch." "Dinner." "Shower." etc. Real simple, but they were hard for me. By limiting myself to concentrate on just 5-6 things, it was easier for me to get through the day calmly... and at the end of the day, with some sense of satisfaction knowing I set goals for myself and I completed them.

It was a minor success, but I'm counting every step.

Weekly Photo: Meeting An Old Friend

My friend Joanne was in town for Thanksgiving and asked if I wanted to meet up. Only the biggest YES! ever. I'm thankful for old friends because they remind me of who I am and why I am where I am now.

Weekly Photo: Lifehouse @ the Gibson

I saw Lifehouse at the Gibson Amphitheatre this week. UHh-maaazing! Opening acts were Alyssa Bernal and Kris Allen. The best $35 I ever spent. They know how to put on a show. ;-)