Growing Pains

Because I detested dishonesty or capriciousness of heart, I lived my life thinking that my actions and words had to match, so that what I did in any given situation was the same under similar circumstances.  In fact, I held my speech and actions up to constant scrutiny, believing there was an overarching story wrought with meaning I could tell with my life, and that it had, as its sole prerequisite, sincere self-examination.


To me, things unknowable have always been things unattainable.  I assessed myself based on what I knew and could do, and what I didn't know and therefore couldn't do.  The former was knowledge used to meet goals which I set for myself, in keeping with the overarching story I sought to tell.  The latter was, at best, something to overcome, and at worst, a source of insecurity.  That my goals were never far-reaching, because my knowledge was finite, did not bother me; goals by definition carry uncertain outcomes which was challenge enough.  Plaguing insecurity, though, should have sounded the alarm that something was wrong.




1. not everything has to fit into some larger arc of things.  it will, but later.. and not by your doing.  your job is to focus on life's moments and create meaning in each individual moment.  'create' means to actively find and assign, to carve out, set down the belief of.  the noise you hear now will become a beautiful chord, but you shouldn't, and in fact can't, orchestrate some big meaningful story before then.


2. don't be "self-ish," meaning, don't be preoccupied with YOUR fear.  those who seem to have it together, yet are labeled unsympathetic and insensitive, appear so to someone who is solely focused on their own needs stemming from their fears.  in fact, those people have recognized that they can't anticipate or control life, but are assured that they are capable of handling things when they come their way.  they may not show much empathy, but they are actually the opposite of self-ish, or worrying of themselves.


3. don't underestimate the value of hard work.  if something required of you unduly taxes your resources, practice to get better at it, and meanwhile recalibrate your expectations of how much effort the task needs.  in other words, close the gap between reality and willingness.


4. for some point in my life i was made to feel small and small i felt.  in some crazy way, everything i did was borne out of that, and i expected other people to help me compensate, but i no longer choose to hold this perception of myself.